"When will it end?"

A friend asked me last night in connection with the latest suicide of a bullied gay kid.

.....It will end when people stop thinking that we are weak and powerless and can be overpowered.  Political correctness superficially mutes the adults, but the kids in school, with raging hormones and in a state of unbridled youthful discovery, can be cruel.  They get the "message" at home and, what their parents can not do as adults in the adult world, unleash it on their gay peers at school.  If a gay kid, when bullied, stood up, flexed his muscles and beat the crap out of the bully, it will send a message to the other side that we are no less than them.  We can not be overpowered.  Who is an easy target for getting bullied?  The weaker one.  Or, who is perceived as weak.  The bully thinks that his status makes him powerful and therefore, the victim before him, seemingly docile and weak, can be overpowered. That renders the circumstances very fertile for "bully-like" behavior.  Bullying happens in the corporate, political worlds too.  The one with the power, bullies the seemingly powerless.  America itself is perceived as a "bully" by most of the rest of the world.  And today, in America, we are thinking of instituting an anti-bully law?  But, many nations across the world consider America's international policies nothing short of bullying.  Forcing your thoughts, your ideas and ideals, and your ways on someone else is bullying.  Who or what was George W. Bush?  Was he a pacifier?  He was a big time bully.  He bullied his way through the eight years he was the President.  

Even today, sometimes when I tell someone that I am gay, the first reaction that often sweeps their countenance is a curious tint of amusement.  They look at me oddly and immediately conjure a series of funny thoughts which register upon their faces.  They try to hide it, but it is very apparent.  I watch this very intently. Right there and then, I am perceived as someone weaker, someone odd, someone different, someone to be pitied or someone who engages in acts of abomination eliciting disgust (as if what they do is "clean and pious"!).  I am deemed abnormal.  Why?  I am better off than most of them.  

The other day I was telling a friend, no matter how many marathons, half ironman or Ironman titles I earn,......because I am gay, I am not a real man.  A fat, pot-bellied, couch potato who likes women is a MAN, not me.  Yes, thats what it boils down to.  I am not tough enough.  My next-door neighbor, Marc, once told me in the middle of discussing a situation, "I will protect you".  I am older than him and fitter than him, but because I am gay, I am weak and require a straight man's protection.  I told him to his face - "No thanks.  I am very able to take care of myself.  You take care of yourself and your wife."   This mindset needs to be changed.  The way we are perceived needs to be changed.  And WE need to do it, not them.  We need to show them that we are not weak, don't need their approval, don't need their consent, don't need their protection.  

Thousands of videos across the world have been taped with "It Gets Better" messages.  "Hunker down, tough it out, it gets better 10 years from now, kid".  Really??  Suddenly everyone is jumping on the "Political Correctness" band wagon to earn brownie points and churning out videos one after the other.  To a certain degree, yes, it is gratifying but once the video stops playing and  that meek gay kid sitting in a small remote town turns off his computer, how does he tackle the bully he is going to encounter next?  Obama, the Yankees, the Red Sox, Anderson Cooper and several others just told the kid that it gets better.  Okay.  Great!  He picks up the backpack and steps out the house and, the bully is out there waiting for him.  What is he to do?  Run back and call the "It Gets Better Hotline" wailing, “Boo hoo hoo, he is bullying me, HELP!!!!”  Yeah!  Great!  That is really helpful!  The bully is still outside, waiting.  What now?  Is Obama going to come from the White House to fight off the bully?  Or is Anderson Cooper gonna fly down in his fancy custom-made suit and a several hundred Dollar haircut?  In the end, it is the bully and the victim facing each other. Many kids don’t wanna report it because then they will be perceived worse - “that Cry Baby who runs to his momma”.  These kids endure the crap as long as they can and then jump over the cliff.  A lot of straight kids get bullied too.  They are bullied for being geeky, shoved and thrown around for being too skinny or fat, or for their odd physical appearance.  What about them?  How do they survive?  Are they not fragile?  Any "It Gets Better" hotlines for them??  Anyone listening to their muted voices?  They endure somehow and get by.  

I don’t think bullies are created.  I think they are born that way.  Kids bully their parents and siblings, for heaven’s sake. I have seen it happen before me.  Kids take their parents for ransom and manage to manipulate and get what they want.  Hints of bully-like mindset is evident right there in those kids.  And lets face it, not all kids are innocent and angelic, as they are often made out to be.  They can crafty, manipulative and very smart at pushing your buttons.  Once that smartness sets in, innocence is lost.

To answer the question, when will it stop?  Stop what?  The bullying or the suicides?  Bullying is a practice that didn’t originate today.  It has been happening from the beginning of time.  Many suicides happen everyday for various reasons.  Some bullied kids (gay or straight) despite their circumstances survive by demonstrating sheer grit and determination, others succumb.  It is true for all stages of life.  As adults, some of us rough it out and emerge as winners, others fall never to rise again.  I think it depends upon the individual personality.  Kids didn’t start committing suicide today.  Do you know, how many kids commit suicide every year in India because they were unable to get good grades and therefore, landed shame to their parents and family.  They hang themselves from the ceiling fan or burn themselves alive.  It is an epidemic out there and the west remains unaware of it.  There is incredible academic pressure on kids in Asia and the slightest failure robs them of their desire to live anymore.  They are ashamed to show their face to anyone.  But not all of them commit suicide.  Some refuse to succumb.  They fight the stigma and made it through.  I was one of them.  One of my math professors once told my mom, “Deepak will never be a success in life.”  Twenty years later, I live and own an apartment in New York City, independent and self sufficient with a nice job.....as an out and proud Indian gay man.  So, I think it is all about grit and determination which comes with the personality. 

The "It Gets Better" media blitzkrieg, proposing laws against bullying are noble measures, but they are "protective" measures.  They sheild, they do not build character.  The focus should be to harness that steely resolve to fight and make it, not look towards laws and Baseball teams and News Anchors to sheild us.  Ever wondered why a "domesticated" wild animal when let loose in the wild, fails to make it.  Its sheltered and protected initial years do not prepare it for the "real challenges" it has to face alone in the big bad wild forests and the forces lurking there in the darkness.  The same is true for us humans.  Attending fancy ivy league schools and bagging coveted degree qualifications render us skilled on paper, not necessarily skilled at battling the real challenges of the world.  I have known some very successful people, with qualifications earned at Harvard and elsewhere, who are stunningly fragile within, spending thousands of Dollars each year on the shrink's couch.  Here I am not discounting the importance of a good education but, just mere good education does not guarantee a good life.  It may open doors to the world beyond, but how to survive that world is quite another ball game. 

It is a jungle out there.  Only the fittest survive.  It has been true since time immemorial in all facets of life and, among all lifeforms.  "Fitness" can be physical strength and power or mental fortitude, skill and talent.  If you have it, you will survive, if you don’t, you will be swallowed either by that bully in school or that bully in your office.  If you are weak, you will be pushed and run over, if you learn to stand up, face and fight, you will stay.  What did Rosa Parks do?  She refused to give up what she thought was rightfully hers.  A black woman in those days, stood her ground and her singular action contributed memorably to the civil rights movement.  It is that strength of character which can not be vanquished by any bully.  We all need to have a little bit of Rosa Parks in us.  

Why it is sometimes not okay to be okay with.....

"Hey, I am ok with homosexuality".
I am often confronted by these seemingly well-intended words but I am never quite sure how to respond to the well-meaning assurance.  These words are meant to comfort and assure me, correct?  He is trying to tell me that I have nothing to worry about him hating me and my lifestyle.  But, why should it be presumed that I need that comfort or assurance at all, simply because I am gay?

"I am okay with the whole gay thing, dude."

"I don't care you are gay, I love you regardless."

And?  You are telling me that because.....??? Are you opening up a field of discussion on the subject or are you simply shutting me up?  Are you allaying my fears without even first ascertaining that they exist or simply trying to tell me that you, a straight person, accepts and embraces all lifestyles.

When the words land on my ears, an awkwardness sweeps my consciousness.  Sometimes I feel like a sinner being pardoned for a sin.  Am I supposed to leap and hug this person for the approval he just handed down to me?  Or, should I respond with, "And I am ok with your heterosexuality"....?

When people say this, the intent is invariably noble but, to me personally, it comes through as patronizing, from a societal vantage point which appears superior to mine and offers an unsolicited approval of my natural sexual predilection.  Am I being over sensitive to a friendly innocuous remark?  Maybe, but I am compelled to address it here.  When these words are voiced, they sound as though they come from someone with a privilege that I lack. I suspect people often say this to reassure themselves rather than to assure or comfort their audience, regardless of its impact on their audience.

This is the year 2011 and, this is New York City.  Why must there be a need to field such an assurance or comfort by one person to another?  What if the roles were switched and when a heterosexual man drops in a mention of a girl friend or wife in a conversation, I interject immediately with "I am okay with your heterosexuality"?  Basically, I just told him that I am totally fine with his choice of a woman as his sexual partner.  That sounded awkward, right?  Because, it is totally unnecessary.

I wonder if we still require such curiously palliative assurance voiced from the other side and if yes, why so?  I don't.  I don't care if you are fine or not with my private life.  The key word here is - private.  It has nothing to do with you and therefore, does not require your assurance, comfort or approval.  How about we take it upon ourselves to respect the other's private life without succumbing to the urge to bestow a blessing from the misbegotten societal pulpit of privilege.  When I became the citizen, I took the oath of allegiance to the United States of America and in exchange America promised me a life of freedom and equality.  If we are all equal here, then one doesn't require the approval or assurance of the other to lead a free life as one deems fit. 

The Race That Wasn't Intended To Be

Miami Marathon - Sunday January 30, 2011
Time: 4 hours 57 minutes

I am aboard the flight from Atlanta to JFK, on my way from  Miami, Florida.

This is Monday January 31st.

I ran the Miami Marathon yesterday, and yes, it was the race that wasn’t meant to be.  

I arrived in Miami on Friday evening.  This was my first visit to Miami, a city I have avoided despite its promise of glorious weather.  Somehow, none of Florida has ever enticed me to travel down there.

About eight months ago, I was planning my 2011 race itinerary and stumbled upon the Miami Half Marathon.  I looked past it and scanned for other Half Marathons in and out of the US.  None seemed to fit well enough into my schedule and budgets.  Eight months ago, it was still nice and warm in New York but I shivered at the thought of the NYC winter and wondered how much worse it could be this time around.  Miami Half Marathon continued to pop in and out of my peripheral vision and then I stared at it right in the face.  I decided to do it.  Then began my search for a cheap flight and hotel, both were as tough as anticipated.  Nothing can be cheap about visiting Miami smack in the middle of winter when snow laden blizzards wail and howl outside our tremulous windows in the northeast.  I decided to use my miles for the flight and opted for a relatively inexpensive hotel in a neighborhood of Miami not too popular with the tourists.  

Winter came early for us in the northeast and as feared, it has been brutally cold.  A week without a storm has been a rarity thus far.  My last race of the 2010 season was the Amsterdam Marathon in October.  I took a well-deserved break from training and, at the advice of my chiropractor, took a couple of months off from running so that my body could heal.  I focussed on swimming and biking but, the 2011 season was upon me.  I had to commence my training and the relentless inclement weather was giving me enough reason to hibernate.  I had begun to worry about my training for my first Marathon of 2011 in March.  I had scheduled two Half Marathons before the Full Marathon with deliberate intent to serve as forced training runs.  

Over the past several weeks, leading up to the Miami Half Marathon, I had hardly managed to accumulate any miles in my training bank.  My longest run was a 10-miler about 4 weeks ago in windy and frigid sub-zero conditions.  The Miami Half was a week away and I began to monitor the weather in Miami as I battled icy winds and snow of NYC, hopped over large puddles of slush and skidded over black ice everyday.

Miami weather was everything I had dreamed of.  Bright sun, no winds, the temperature in the mid to upper 70s, considered warmer by most athletes but I was in Heaven.  On Saturday morning I visited the Race Expo to retrieve my Race Packet and on my way, a thought crawled into my mind - the weather is beautiful, how about attempting the Full Marathon, instead of the Half Marathon.  It won’t be my first Full, my body is familiar with the distance and even if something were to go awry physically, I could stop and abandon the race and consider it my first long training run.  Nothing to lose, I figured.  I marched up to the Registration Desk, and enquired about upgrading to the Full M.  I was told it was possible and 25 additional Dollars later, I walked out with the Race Bib number for a Full M.  

There is something profound about visiting the Race Expos.  For me it is like a Toy Store and I am the wide-eyed child.  It excites me and the company of other like-minded people with similar athletic aspirations, is most invigorating.  Suddenly my body is alive, heart is racing and the mind is overwhelmed with the desire to get out there and run.  

A Full M requires a very different pre-race preparation than a Half M.  A Full M is an endurance event and requires adequate training and proper nutrition leading up to the race.  After the “race upgrade”, I was scrambling for food.  I gobbled everything vegan in sight to consume the extra carbs and calories necessary before the race.  

I was up at 3:30AM on Sunday, the Race Day.  The Hotel had provided a Shuttle Service for the guests participating in the event.  The Shuttle Bus ferried us to the Race Start.  The Race began at 6:15AM.  A very comfortable 58 degrees welcomed us at the start.  There were 21,000 runners at the Starting Line.  We began running, the sun broke through the skies and it grew progressively warmer as the hours floated by.  Extra bright sun, no winds, a perfect day.  Simply glorious!  As I ran, I was getting baked and loved every moment of it.  

The route of the Miami Marathon is visually stunning!!  It is one of the best courses I have ever ran before.  A great way to see and experience the City on foot, which is otherwise not possible in Miami.  Miami is not a walkable city and its mass transportation system is quite inadequate.  A wait for the bus could easily extend up to 45 minutes to an hour.  A train might arrive anywhere within 20 minutes to 45 minutes.  It can be a real test of patience.  I don’t drive and therefore, had to depend upon the City’s trains and buses.  Its taxi service is scattered and that too can take anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour to get to you (happened to me more than once during my stay).  We started the race at the American Airlines Arena and then passed through Port of Miami, Miami Beach, Ocean Drive, Washington Avenue, Venetian Islands, Downtown Miami, Bay Heights, Coconut Grove, Brickell, ran over Miami River and finished the race at Bayfront Park.  Here is a really cool video to watch which takes you through the entire 26.2 mile course in about 4 minutes or less.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eg3kFEWmmgY&feature=player_embedded

The first 15 miles went by without much to ponder about, but soon followed what could be deemed as my body’s revolt against my sudden, impromptu decision to run the Full M.  Running a marathon is never without discomfort.  No matter the countless number of hours of training, race day always brings surprises that were not anticipated.  Pain and discomfort can erupt anywhere at anytime without warning, however, after running nine marathons, I can almost predict what might happen and where.  The knees, the hips, the ankles - they protest solo or often, in unison.  This race was no different.  My mind was feverishly at work preparing for the battle.  There were moments when the mental fortitude began to lose the tug-of-war against my body but eventually, it won.  

26.2 miles were over.  I went past the finish line.  A huge sigh of relief escaped my body as the finisher’s medal rested on my heaving chest.  It was over.  I had logged in my first race of the year - a Full M.  I was happy.  I hadn’t planned this one.  This one came as a surprise to me, the one that wasn’t intended to be......

DADT - The Reactions

I find the assumption by straight men that just because they are men, they are going to be objects of desire by their gay colleagues....to be hilarious.  Guys, very often we are not even attracted to our own.  So, take a chill pill, please.  But I do feel that the army barracks will have to re-done by Tom Ford and, there will be longer lines at the nail salons. 

http://www.tsweekly.com/6797-dadt-gay-bashing-and-the-icky-ness-factor.html

“There is an ‘icky-ness’ about homosexuality that affects everything it touches. The close-quarters service in the military makes the prospect of open homosexuals serving with, sleeping with, showering with those to whom they are sexually attracted – in an unnatural way – even more ‘icky.’ The whole disgusting nature of it will likely turn off many Americans.

“Many Americans who now are quiet supporters of the military, including its funding, will simply no longer carry with on that support. Many middle-class American families who once saw the military as a legitimate option for giving their children a strong start in life, will now no longer see it as a possible benefit to them.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/20/us/politics/20gays.html?_r=1&partner=rss&emc=rssSay

Showers will be awkward,” Private Tuck said outside a shopping mall here, expressing a worry mentioned by just about every Marine interviewed. “But as long as a guy can hold his own and protect my back, it won’t matter if he is gay.”

But a friend of Private Tuck’s injected a note of skepticism. “It won’t be totally accepted,” said Pvt. Justin Rea, 18, from Warren, Mich. “Being gay means you are kind of girly. The Marines are, you know, macho.”

When present tense, becomes past tense...

I can't believe she is gone.

Every morning, as I walked into the office, she would look up from her post at the reception desk, flash her bright smile and say, "Good morning, Sweetie Pie!"

She was a daily fixture of my life at the office.

She used to call me "Fresh Pot".

She was someone I expected there to be, always, and she was....

And when she wasn't, it felt vacant, as if, something was amiss. 

That voice, that thousand watt smile, that warmth.....is gone..... forever.  

In an instant, it is all over.

Silenced forever.

Vanished.

Disappeared.

Ceased to be.

Cold.  Still.  

It is remarkable, how in an instant a lifetime of "present tense" becomes the "past tense".

From "Louise is", it is now, "Louise was".  

"is" becomes, "was"

all, in an instant

such is life

when we reach the last page of the book of life

there is no other page left to turn

all that is left, is the yearning for more, that won't be.....

Goodbye, Mama Louise.....

Love,

Fresh Pot

The Murder We So Joyously Celebrate

What happens to the "Save the Forests", "Save the Earth", "the Green Planet Movement" during Christmas time when millions of trees across the world are uprooted, and their dead branches are decorated and electrocuted, gifts placed under their dead, lifeless bodies, people sing and dance around them...and a week later, ornaments and decorations are stripped off them and their lifeless bodies are discarded on the roadside.  Is this celebration?  Why must our celebrations have a destructive impact on nature?  When do we learn to celebrate nature?  We are born of it, we are it, then why do we murder it?  

Trees are killed every year and perched in front of the White House and the Rockefeller Center here in New York City.  Decorated, and then they become the center piece of a celebratory event, with millions across the world watching in awe and celebrities gracing the event.  The Rock Center Tree is perched right in front of the GE Building....and GE is ranked no. 47 on the list of the Top 100 Global “Green” Companies.  (http://www.newsweek.com/2010/10/18/green-rankings-global-companies.html#)  Does "Green" mean killing trees or planting trees?  GE, I am a little confused here, help me out.  Meanwhile, the present and the past First Ladies of America are shown tending the flora and growing vegetable gardens, planting trees and lecturing us about healthy living, the Green Movement and Saving The Earth while a perfectly healthy and gorgeous tree is killed and decorated RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEIR HOUSE!  I guess, the Holiday Season also spells a “holiday” for our principles and initiatives.  

It is okay to kill millions of trees every year for the sake of tradition, but not okay to tear down forests???  What is the difference???  The difference is - one is protected by environmental laws, the other killing is not.  Michelle Obama, Al Gore and GE, if you really feel so strongly about the environment and saving the planet and “going green”, then set an example and stop this annual ritualistic murder of trees right in your own homes. 

Some argue that they pick a tree but in its place they also plant one.  I don't understand the logic.  They rob the environment of a tree, the impact of which is immediate.  To yield the same benefits of the uprooted tree, we have to wait several years for it to grow and when that happens, we tear it down again.  Befuddling!  

A perfectly beautiful tree is killed and disposed off purely for fun and merriment. Why?  Because it is a tradition.  Yeah?  The practice of “Sati” was also a “tradition” in India where widows had to jump into burning pyres alongside the dead bodies of their husbands.  Yes, they had to jump and burn alive with their dead husbands.  That “tradition” is banned today.  It is illegal.  We need to re-think some of our traditions and their impact and validity.  These trees, if not uprooted, would grow into beautiful tall trees, and be beneficial for the Planet and ultimately for us and our loved ones. 

How about using fake Christmas trees??? They look equally good and can be used repeatedly for years. Cost-effective, economical and good for the environment and the planet. But no one is listening......

We grow up, get the best education and evolve intellectually.  Each generation claims and prides itself as being more aware and evolved than the previous.  We are quick to shed what is old fashioned and embrace the modern.  Then how come the planet we call our home, suffers more today than it has ever before.  As we evolve, so does our greed and it is said, for greed all nature is too little.


Merry Christmas!

10 Fascinating Facts About Turkeys

Did you know that turkeys communicate their emotions by way of color changes in the skin on their necks, faces and snoods (the flap of skin that hangs over the turkey's beak)? And that a turkey’s snood turns bright red when he is upset or during courtship? This is just one of the fascinating facts about America’s favorite holiday bird being revealed by Farm Sanctuary, the nation’s leading farm animal protection organization, just in time for Thanksgiving. Having rescued more than 1,000 turkeys since 1986 and provided lifelong care for hundreds at their two world-renowned shelters located in Watkins Glen, New York and Orland, California, the organization is recognized as a foremost expert on these sensitive, intelligent and thoroughly fascinating birds.

Those who don’t know a snood from a wattle (the flap of skin under the turkey's chin) are sure to be intrigued by the following little-known turkey facts:

1. Turkeys recognize each other by their unique voices.

2. Researchers have identified more than 20 distinct vocalizations in wild turkeys.

3. Turkeys have excellent geography skills and can learn the specific details of an area of more than 1,000 acres.

4. Like cats and dogs, turkeys are intelligent and sensitive animals who form strong social bonds and show great affection to others.

5. On factory farms, turkeys frequently have the ends of their beaks and toes cut off without anesthesia — practices know as debeaking and detoeing — to prevent them from injuring one another as they are crowded by the thousands into dark, filthy warehouses.

6. Between 1965 and 2000, the weight of the average turkey raised commercially in the U.S. increased by 57 percent, from an average of 18 pounds to an average of 28.2 pounds, causing commercially-bred turkeys to suffer from crippling foot and leg problems.

7. Completely unlike their wild ancestors not only in terms of physique but also in hue, most commercial turkeys are totally white — the natural bronze color selectively bred out of them to eliminate uneven pigment colorations — because of consumer preference for even flesh tones.

8. Also catering to consumer preferences for “white meat,” the industry has selectively bred turkeys to have abnormally large breasts. This anatomical manipulation makes it difficult for male turkeys to mount the females, eliminating these birds’ ability to reproduce naturally. As a result, artificial insemination is now the sole means of reproduction on factory farms, where breeder birds are confined for months on end.

9. Turkeys, along with other poultry, are not protected by the federal Humane Slaughter Act, and are frequently killed without first being stunned.

10. Every year, more than 46 million turkeys are killed for Thanksgiving holiday dinners, but it doesn’t have to be this way. If you think these birds are as incredible as we do, you can join talk show host and animal advocate Ellen DeGeneres, Farm Sanctuary’s 2010 Adopt-A-Turkey Project spokesperson, in starting a new tradition this year by adopting a turkey instead of eating. Visit adoptaturkey.org for details or call the Turkey Adoption Hotline at 1-888-SPONSOR.