Seasons Greetings from The Grinch

I am sick of.....

the (tired) holiday cheer;
the syrupy holiday music blaring everywhere (even in men’s rooms! Don’t wanna hear Hark the Angels while I pee!);

the color RED everywhere;
all things grotesquely candied;
the gingerbread house fuss;
the frosty filigree;
the furbelowed show-windows;
the garish frill, flounce and festooning;
that exhausted little holiday doodad staring at me at the pharmacy checkout counter;
the swarms of “tree-people” clicking pics of THAT DARN TREE;
the Sequined & Spangled Starbucks and the comeback of the much-revered Gingerbread Latte (sic!);
the Madness of Macy's;
the smelly, sweaty, “ and very suspect” SANTAs trolling everywhere;
the LOUD bells and DESPERATE cries of Salvation Army “demanding” money;
the mad dash for thoughtless gifts (followed by the mad dash to return them);
the icy, over-in-a-second, snappy, unaffecting “Happy Holidays!” wishes,….....
(DEEP SIGH)
Is January 2nd here yet????

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!
Love,
Me

Laws We Must Obey.....

Dear Gay-Marriage Opponents,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you state, "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman. I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... end of debate. However, I do need some advice from you regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Canadians, but not Mexicans. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Mexicans?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle- room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev. 24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.