"When will it end?"

A friend asked me last night in connection with the latest suicide of a bullied gay kid.

.....It will end when people stop thinking that we are weak and powerless and can be overpowered.  Political correctness superficially mutes the adults, but the kids in school, with raging hormones and in a state of unbridled youthful discovery, can be cruel.  They get the "message" at home and, what their parents can not do as adults in the adult world, unleash it on their gay peers at school.  If a gay kid, when bullied, stood up, flexed his muscles and beat the crap out of the bully, it will send a message to the other side that we are no less than them.  We can not be overpowered.  Who is an easy target for getting bullied?  The weaker one.  Or, who is perceived as weak.  The bully thinks that his status makes him powerful and therefore, the victim before him, seemingly docile and weak, can be overpowered. That renders the circumstances very fertile for "bully-like" behavior.  Bullying happens in the corporate, political worlds too.  The one with the power, bullies the seemingly powerless.  America itself is perceived as a "bully" by most of the rest of the world.  And today, in America, we are thinking of instituting an anti-bully law?  But, many nations across the world consider America's international policies nothing short of bullying.  Forcing your thoughts, your ideas and ideals, and your ways on someone else is bullying.  Who or what was George W. Bush?  Was he a pacifier?  He was a big time bully.  He bullied his way through the eight years he was the President.  

Even today, sometimes when I tell someone that I am gay, the first reaction that often sweeps their countenance is a curious tint of amusement.  They look at me oddly and immediately conjure a series of funny thoughts which register upon their faces.  They try to hide it, but it is very apparent.  I watch this very intently. Right there and then, I am perceived as someone weaker, someone odd, someone different, someone to be pitied or someone who engages in acts of abomination eliciting disgust (as if what they do is "clean and pious"!).  I am deemed abnormal.  Why?  I am better off than most of them.  

The other day I was telling a friend, no matter how many marathons, half ironman or Ironman titles I earn,......because I am gay, I am not a real man.  A fat, pot-bellied, couch potato who likes women is a MAN, not me.  Yes, thats what it boils down to.  I am not tough enough.  My next-door neighbor, Marc, once told me in the middle of discussing a situation, "I will protect you".  I am older than him and fitter than him, but because I am gay, I am weak and require a straight man's protection.  I told him to his face - "No thanks.  I am very able to take care of myself.  You take care of yourself and your wife."   This mindset needs to be changed.  The way we are perceived needs to be changed.  And WE need to do it, not them.  We need to show them that we are not weak, don't need their approval, don't need their consent, don't need their protection.  

Thousands of videos across the world have been taped with "It Gets Better" messages.  "Hunker down, tough it out, it gets better 10 years from now, kid".  Really??  Suddenly everyone is jumping on the "Political Correctness" band wagon to earn brownie points and churning out videos one after the other.  To a certain degree, yes, it is gratifying but once the video stops playing and  that meek gay kid sitting in a small remote town turns off his computer, how does he tackle the bully he is going to encounter next?  Obama, the Yankees, the Red Sox, Anderson Cooper and several others just told the kid that it gets better.  Okay.  Great!  He picks up the backpack and steps out the house and, the bully is out there waiting for him.  What is he to do?  Run back and call the "It Gets Better Hotline" wailing, “Boo hoo hoo, he is bullying me, HELP!!!!”  Yeah!  Great!  That is really helpful!  The bully is still outside, waiting.  What now?  Is Obama going to come from the White House to fight off the bully?  Or is Anderson Cooper gonna fly down in his fancy custom-made suit and a several hundred Dollar haircut?  In the end, it is the bully and the victim facing each other. Many kids don’t wanna report it because then they will be perceived worse - “that Cry Baby who runs to his momma”.  These kids endure the crap as long as they can and then jump over the cliff.  A lot of straight kids get bullied too.  They are bullied for being geeky, shoved and thrown around for being too skinny or fat, or for their odd physical appearance.  What about them?  How do they survive?  Are they not fragile?  Any "It Gets Better" hotlines for them??  Anyone listening to their muted voices?  They endure somehow and get by.  

I don’t think bullies are created.  I think they are born that way.  Kids bully their parents and siblings, for heaven’s sake. I have seen it happen before me.  Kids take their parents for ransom and manage to manipulate and get what they want.  Hints of bully-like mindset is evident right there in those kids.  And lets face it, not all kids are innocent and angelic, as they are often made out to be.  They can crafty, manipulative and very smart at pushing your buttons.  Once that smartness sets in, innocence is lost.

To answer the question, when will it stop?  Stop what?  The bullying or the suicides?  Bullying is a practice that didn’t originate today.  It has been happening from the beginning of time.  Many suicides happen everyday for various reasons.  Some bullied kids (gay or straight) despite their circumstances survive by demonstrating sheer grit and determination, others succumb.  It is true for all stages of life.  As adults, some of us rough it out and emerge as winners, others fall never to rise again.  I think it depends upon the individual personality.  Kids didn’t start committing suicide today.  Do you know, how many kids commit suicide every year in India because they were unable to get good grades and therefore, landed shame to their parents and family.  They hang themselves from the ceiling fan or burn themselves alive.  It is an epidemic out there and the west remains unaware of it.  There is incredible academic pressure on kids in Asia and the slightest failure robs them of their desire to live anymore.  They are ashamed to show their face to anyone.  But not all of them commit suicide.  Some refuse to succumb.  They fight the stigma and made it through.  I was one of them.  One of my math professors once told my mom, “Deepak will never be a success in life.”  Twenty years later, I live and own an apartment in New York City, independent and self sufficient with a nice job.....as an out and proud Indian gay man.  So, I think it is all about grit and determination which comes with the personality. 

The "It Gets Better" media blitzkrieg, proposing laws against bullying are noble measures, but they are "protective" measures.  They sheild, they do not build character.  The focus should be to harness that steely resolve to fight and make it, not look towards laws and Baseball teams and News Anchors to sheild us.  Ever wondered why a "domesticated" wild animal when let loose in the wild, fails to make it.  Its sheltered and protected initial years do not prepare it for the "real challenges" it has to face alone in the big bad wild forests and the forces lurking there in the darkness.  The same is true for us humans.  Attending fancy ivy league schools and bagging coveted degree qualifications render us skilled on paper, not necessarily skilled at battling the real challenges of the world.  I have known some very successful people, with qualifications earned at Harvard and elsewhere, who are stunningly fragile within, spending thousands of Dollars each year on the shrink's couch.  Here I am not discounting the importance of a good education but, just mere good education does not guarantee a good life.  It may open doors to the world beyond, but how to survive that world is quite another ball game. 

It is a jungle out there.  Only the fittest survive.  It has been true since time immemorial in all facets of life and, among all lifeforms.  "Fitness" can be physical strength and power or mental fortitude, skill and talent.  If you have it, you will survive, if you don’t, you will be swallowed either by that bully in school or that bully in your office.  If you are weak, you will be pushed and run over, if you learn to stand up, face and fight, you will stay.  What did Rosa Parks do?  She refused to give up what she thought was rightfully hers.  A black woman in those days, stood her ground and her singular action contributed memorably to the civil rights movement.  It is that strength of character which can not be vanquished by any bully.  We all need to have a little bit of Rosa Parks in us.